it's odd to have those people around...

you know the ones. 

the people whose talent and beauty and creativity and rock-awesomeness completely bitch-slap yours.

the people who do all the things you want to do.

the people who are exactly who you wish you could be.

the people who make my life and accomplishments look like bags of crap.

i wish i could hate them. 

but i can't. because they're so awesome.

i spent a lot of my life trying to be someone else.

to be like the awesome people around me.

but that only works for so long...

at some point you have to just decide who you are.

just you. 

and i know it's kinda sad for me to be just starting to figure this out at 23 years old, but...i am.

and i think i like who i am.

just...me.

hiccoughs is all we are...

so. my last post was very uninspired.

:) i was in a very uninspired, factual mode.

doesn't happen very often.

but this whole being an adult thing sucks the creativity and inspiration out of me faster than anything ever has before lol.

~wilco is quite possibly the greatest band i have ever heard. there are a couple other bands in this category for me, but wilco is...really up there. wow. LOVE.

~it's an odd feeling to find myself still looking for the face i taught myself to find everywhere i went.

it's weirder still to think that i haven't seen this face in probably over a year, and it's been close to four years since i've had reason to look.

~a couple days ago, i went to the bank. and as i was leaning against the counter, transacting with the teller lady, she cocked her head and looked at me and uttered the phrase i have heard...thousands? of times. multiply 365 by 23, and you will come close to the sum.

she said, "your hair is pretty."

now. aside from the sheer repetition of this phrase, i've always been vaguely if not extremely annoyed by it.

why, you ask? that i did not clearly identify until this middle-aged, glasses-wearing, blonde highlights-having bank teller said it. i realized that if she (and everyone else) had said, "the way your hair is cut and the style you are wearing it in sets off the pretty natural color perfectly," i would have been extremely pleased.

and you know why? it's because the one thing i've been exorbitantly complimented on my entire life is one thing i had absolutely no hand in.

i do nothing except remain alive, and my hair grows out of my head this color.

therefore, it's vaguely insulting to tirelessly labor for hours on everything else about myself, and yet have the one thing i had no say in as my dna was being formed in the womb is the one and only thing people ever seem to notice or remember about me.

i love my hair, don't get me wrong. i'm very blessed.

but i'm sure you understand my frustration.

and now i'm glad i finally do as well :).

in other news, i've started some very preliminary sketches for an art project. i'm pretty stoked about it. mostly because i'm *finally* getting over my artist's block. but also because it might be pretty awesome. and might spark some subsequent projects.

i'll try to post some previews :).

off to dinner with the grandparents. not going to go into my thoughts on this.

farewell, all!

~ruthie :)

nights of autumn-y coolness...

so. my degree did not fail me.

i am now officially a full-time office worker.

i no longer have to be jealous every time i watch the office, see random tv commercials, or hear complaints from people with their little cubicles and mandatory professional wear and repetitive menial tasks. i AM one of those people! :P

our financial worries are steadily fading, and i am remaining extremely excited about having my first "real" job :) :).

in other news, my sketching has apparently been lying dormant these past months only because of the lack of downtime on the phones at work and random scraps of paper scattered over my desk. who knew this was the inspiration i needed?? i'll post some of my rather ambitious and impressive sketches on here in the future. "ambitious" because the extent of my sketching of late had been swirly hearts and flowers and...yeah. hearts and flowers. and "impressive" because apparently when i'm supposed to be doing other things, my mind is freed to explore and experiment like never before! so i'm pretty stoked :). not sure if my supervisors share my enthusiasm...but that's what they get for hiring an artist :D.

in other news, fall is quite possibly the most invigorating and exciting season of all! don't ask why, but the tangy outdoor smells and vibrant colors and the scarves and hats and crisp breezes carry with them hope and anticipation and promise. right now, i'm being distracted by the golden sunlight on the trees and the cobalt blue of the sky and dried-leavesy smells breezing through my window. i want be outside in it every available minute...

in other news, after some time spent pondering my life in light of this new job, i'm finally starting to feel some peace in the direction our lives are going. our plans to start a family were called into question with the possibility of finally paying off school debt and starting a savings with both of us suddenly working full-time. i finally feel at peace with putting starting a family on hold until perhaps next spring-ish. i want a baby so badly sometimes i can barely imagine waking up another morning without a tiny life there to greet me, but waiting another 6 months-ish for us to get our finances under control feels like the right decision. i mean, it's totally in God's hands, when we actually have a baby, but we feel like the most responsible and good steward-like decision for now is to wait. so even though being an adult completely sucks, i feel like this is kind of a big weight off my mind.

the other thing on our minds has been making our finally-getting-out-of-indiana move. which could be to...anywhere. but both of us i think are holding out for the baltimore area. there are just so many reasons why this would be awesome for us. namely: the people we would be living close to. and also namely: the ocean AND mountains close at hand. and ALSO: it's the freaking east coast! everyone knows it's awesome :D.

but yeah. adjusting to adulthood. it sucks most of the time, making all these decisions all by ourselves. but it's also amazing.

the end.

what the frickety-frack!?

life just keeps on with the interesting...

never a dull moment it seems :).

right now, there's a whole lot of waiting going on in the jacoby household. or, apartmenthold. quite a few decisions in our path are hinged on whether or not i get this job with helvey & associates. so we're waiting on that phone call...

if i *do* get the job, we will finally be given the opportunity to start paying off our student loans (they're deferred for now), we'll actually be able to have a savings, we'll have the money saved up, then, to move wherever we want to live when the time comes, we'll be able to travel to visit all our relatives and friends, we'll both be able to go to the dentist (lol :P), and we'll generally be able to breathe easier as far as finances go. which would be *amazing* to say the least.

(please, God!)

if i *don't* get the job, though, our lives will take a rather different turn. i will start substitute teaching for our district in addition to my mad a's job, and we'll start making definite steps toward me getting my teacher's certification so i can be an art teacher (hooray!! :D).

now. honestly, either of these eventualities would be fine with me. really. both of us working full-time would be amazing. we'd actually be able to have the kind of life both of us want to have eventually (living simply and generously, but free from crippling financial worries). my aspirations to be an art teacher would just be put on hold.

if i don't get this job, i'll definitely be disappointed. i'll feel like a failure and an incompetent in the professional world. and my four-year degree and the debt that came with it will feel like a complete waste of time. and we'll start finding wrinkles on our faces and gray hairs on our heads as the money worries continue to plague us. BUT, i could get my teacher's certification. and be an art teacher as i've always dreamed...

...honestly, i'd be happy with whichever. i'd be happy immediately with one and *eventually* happy with the other :p. but i'm extremely relieved that the decision between them is kind of being made for us.

so now...

we wait.

...

there are a lot of changes lately.

a whole lot.

namely, today, one of the only people in the world that i could ever truly call a friend headed off to the land of baltimore.

i've led an interesting life in the arena of friendships. some early social awkwardness brought on by my upbringing and the continuing guilt trip that was my mom constantly telling me that the only people i could truly trust were my family members. any time i would start to get close enough to someone to be invited over to their place or to some party or whatever, my mom would get all protective and guilt-trippy and full of warnings about the dangers of getting close to anyone outside your family.

something about that always resonated falsely with me, but it really wasn't until college, when i finally started breaking away from ties that were holding me down in the mold my family had shaped for me, that i was finally able to discover what it was like to...have friends.

and it was some of these self-same friends that actually decided to take it upon themselves to "corrupt" me :p. which they did. at least in my family's eyes. and i don't think they'll ever know how much that meant and still means to me. i married one of those crazy, wonderful people :).

so, needless to say, whenever i find a person whom i can truly rely on through thick and thin, through all my insanity and awkwardness, and whom i can truly say relies on me in the same way, it means more than i have the capacity to express.

em is one of those people. and, once again, as it seems to be my lot in life, she moved away. life took her elsewhere :). and i am more than happy for her. she's making her dream happen.

but i can't help but be a little depressed and dramatic about it. and think about the other true friends i've found that moved away...

i miss you already, em...

thanks for everything. you have no idea :).

~ruthie

names...

so...i've been thinking a lot about baby names.

...who knows why...;).

ok so, girls:

*sakura. this is japanese for "cherry blossom." and it's pretty. we'd definitely call her saki for short.

*wren. this is just a super-cute name for a girl. and wrens are so cute and pretty and down to earth.

*fiona. irish. gorgeous. and goes well with jacoby, i think :).

*blythe. i've just always liked this name.

ok, boys:

*teague jackson jacoby. :D this one is pretty much decided for our first boy. teague is gaelic for "poet."

*noah. another name i've just always liked.

middle names are a completely different story--cuz naming our kids after relatives is pretty much out. none of our relatives have awesome names, or even awesome last names. seriously: bixby? langenhop? bolinger? ...the only one that *might* be considerable is josh's mom's maiden name, gallegher. that could be cool.

give me YOUR favorite names!! this is a fascinating topic for me...names are SO cool :) :).

"human again, we'll be human again..."

i'll never forget pastor tim, the guest speaker who came to my summer camp. he was unforgettable in many ways, but the one story he told especially stuck with me.

he told the story of his dad, also a pastor, who would cry during almost every sermon he delivered. he said his dad became embarassed and frustrated with the choking up in front of everyone every time he got up and got into preaching the Word. his dad ended up getting so fed up with his emotional sensitivity that he begged God to make him stop crying at the drop of a hat. 

pastor tim told us, with tears in his own eyes, that his father never cried again. no matter what happened in his life, he was never able to cry again. 

pastor tim said his father told him to never be ashamed of crying for any reason, but especially not when you're talking about your saving God. 

i've always been extremely sensitive and empathetic, but as i've gotten older, i've noticed i'm not as sensitive. 

i'm not as open as i used to be.

which is good in some ways; gaining some perspective and some adult...sobriety is good. 

but in the past few years, i started getting afraid that my skin had grown too thick. that i judged before i empathized, got bitter before i felt sorrow, suppressed before i cried.

so i started trying to find the balance. and, long story short, i guess, i feel like i'm succeeding. and i'm finding...myself again. 

today, i was watching scrubs, and something little, something tiny and random just hit me, and i felt myself tearing up.

and i guess...no matter how sometimes annoying or embarassing it is to be the kind of person who cries during movies or tv shows or when my husband tells me sweet little things, i'm so thankful. 

it makes me feel human again.

:)